DOMA: Defense of (Gay)Marriage Aspirations

So first things first, the one question that everyone from my best friend to my mother to that odd hobo who rides the subway in only a blanket (okay that last one is made up) has been asking me is "Why can't your Singaporean boyfriend stay in the United States? You're American and gay marriage is legal in New York state, just get married!"

If it was that simple you'd instead be asking, "Why is he running down the street screaming and ripping his shirt off? Is he happy?".

Time for a little lesson on the long and loving relationship between the LGBT community and the quirky federal government of the United States of 'Merica (as my best broster Phinn calls our great nation).

In 1993, Baehr v. Miike came before the Supreme Court of Hawaii, and the court, being fair minded, logical and even possibly a decent group of human beings, declared that unless the state government could find a compelling reason to declare same-sex marriage illegal, they couldn't block it. Of course the knee-jerk reaction from the government followed, if Hawaii could find the legal high-ground to allow same sex marriage, then it would set a precedence and allow other people in other states to bring their own cases, opening the door for a legal push for marriage equality.

Of course, the always kind and caring Republican Party decided that it was in everyone's best interest to moderate societal development and in 1996 enacted the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA), setting into federal law that "...no State, territory, or possession of the United States or Indian tribe shall be required to give effect to any marriage between persons of the same sex under the laws of any other such jurisdiction or to any right or claim arising from such relationship."

In summary, this became the founding bedrock by which the federal government can and still does legally refuse to recognize the marriage/union of same-sex couples who wed in states where same-sex marriage is legal in cases of taxation, property ownership, adoption, medical decisions and yes, the one that affects us and 36,000 other bi-national couples, sponsorship by an American spouse of their foreign born significant other.

Even if we've been together for three years, been living together for almost two years, have toyed with the ideas of marriage and children like every couple does as they progress through the stages of any healthy relationship, it doesn't matter where the federal government is concerned. 

Yes, the Obama administration has declared that they will no longer defend the law if challenged, the Immigration and Naturalization Service will "pause/freeze" deportation proceedings on married same-sex couples when one spouse is American, and the Supreme Court of the United States has said as of March 27, 2013 that they will start hearing cases against DOMA, we are still faced with the a terrible situation of legal discrimination.

A law on the books is still a law that can be enforced even if most everyone is not enforcing it. 

Now we run into the question that my mother brings up in that worried, motherly way that is vaguely unnerving and concerning at the same time. "Is Singapore a better place for you two to live in?"

Yes Singapore is not a mecca for the rights of the LGBT-community, there are still laws on the books that make job, civil-service and military discrimination legal, the culture is still a few years behind understanding that gay men don't solicit every man they see for sex or are campy, effeminate prissy queens. 

But it is more welcoming to international immigrants than the United States and let's face it, when it comes down to it, financial security is one of those major bedrocks that help long-term relationships survive into senile bliss. America can not provide us with jobs and a source of income to sustain us despite our level of education. 

Singapore however openly welcome those from abroad, but like many Asian countries, there is an older generation where the idea of two men/women together is something that is best treated with averted eyes and fervent gossiping behind closed doors, coupled with a younger generation of open-minded individual who are a wonderful mix of acceptance and live-and-let-live mentality. 

And let's face it, I've only made it as far into the Pacific as Hawaii, so the idea of travel and adventure is helping to temper most of my fears. 

So there we have it, the history behind the reason why in the land of the free we are still not equal, and why we must leave to find a chance for opportunity and security, in another country that has less rights but potentially a better chance of living our lives.